Monday, December 28, 2009

Still Sleeping

Feeling baby kisses, knowing a sweet surprise
Hearing baby laughter, alongside with tearful cries
The sights and sounds of motherhood are surrounding me this year
If only I had some will and hope, instead of anxiety and fear

For unto us a child was born--a child that warms my heart
But now he is gone, and my reserve is weak
My days are long, and my nights are bleak

Strong women around me whose angels are in heaven have the courage to fill this
that occupies my arms, my thoughts, my home, my life, my dreams,
your place

Seeing angel mommies blessed with children again leaves me helpless, leaves me sad,
as I can not pretend that-- the time is right, the time is now--to conceive would feel untrue
Tell me, how can I say hello to another when I haven't yet said farewell to you

Time is but a measure between where we were, where we are
and where we're going to
But time is painful, time is real, time is whats left when we are through
going on with the motions of the pieces of life that mine has now become
A mother missing her baby boy, whom longs for her sleeping son.

Missing you baby boy,

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Merry Christmas From Heaven

Christmas Ornament that I chose in honor of our Son Sterling.

Engraved on the front:
I love you all dearly
Now don't shed a tear
I'm spending my Christmas
With Jesus this year.

Engraved on the reverse:
Our Angel
Sterling Aether Schutte

Update..on our weekly "Sunday morning walk", August and I heard the bells ringing from the neighborhood church again. This time we were out walking an hour earilier, so I was sure that we wouldn't hear them. Yet we did. And what tune was gently ringing in the distance? "What Child is This". As August and I picked up our pace to walk to the church to hear and see the bells, I again felt as if Sterling was calling to us...this time I am sure he was saying "Merry Christmas to you mommy. And to my brother too! I'm playing this special song this day, to bring comfort and love to you!". We love you, Sterling. Thank you for such a wonderful gift.

Friday, December 25, 2009

What Child Is This?

My favorite Christmas Carol. Actualy, this piece of hauntingly beautiful music, also referred to as "Greensleeves" has been my year round favorite since I was a youngster and I envisioned scenes of "Mommy Kissing Santa Claus".  Boy did I have a lot of expectations! As my mind drifts off this early Christmas morn, it is not Santa that lingers in my imagination, but my Sweet Sterling. Completely awake at 1:30am, I find myself researching the history behind the creation of the tune for "What Child is This". Along the way of my inquest for further knowledge I realize that I am really searching for more meaning. Not for baby Jesus' story, but for Sterlings story. Then I came across this:

God’s sign is simplicity. God’s sign is the baby. God’s sign is that he makes himself small for us. He does not come with power and outward splendor. He comes as a baby – defenseless and in need of our help . . . He asks for our love, so he makes himself a child. He wants nothing other from us than our love. . . God made himself small so that we could understand him, welcome him and love him.

What child is this, who, laid to rest

On Mary's lap, is sleeping?
Whom angels greet with anthems sweet,
While shepherds watch are keeping?

Not that I liken myself to the Virgin Mary. But I am a mother. My baby was born sleeping. He was blessed to be carried on the wings of Angels while his shepards, his father and I watched helplessly, as his life, his purpose, was given new meaning. So was mine.

Christopher, my love, my dream, continues to support me as I try and find that which gives me comfort and that which keeps me grounded. This holiday, by default, we ended up making Gingerbread Dinosaur Cookies with our son, August. Christmas cookies have always been a comfort for my tummy and for my heart. Specifically, the recipe given to me by my foster mom. We decided to combine the new recipe for gingerbread with the lovingly familiar frosting from Grandma Helens original sugar cookie recipe. And I realized something. Its the frosting that brings back the memories of years past. Its the lingering sweetness of the powdered sugar with the Almond extract that is the first and last taste and biggest impact. The cookie dough could be a combination of many different ingredients, yet the frosting is what smooths it all out and fullfills my cravings. As I sit here, eating what must be my ___th cookie of the early morning, I create the significance of this in my minds eye. The reality and beauty of something new and exciting, with the comfort and familiarity of the known and loved. This morning, I think of Sterling and how he has given me such a new outlook. His being has made me a better me. The ingredients of my life could be a combination of a million different varities, but the sweet, sweet frosting...will always give me comfort. Will always give me peace. Thank you Sterling. Merry Christmas to my Christmas Angel, my wonderous darling, my forever child.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Take A Break

Words of wisdom from a 3 1/2 year old. "Do I need to Take a Break, mommy? My honest reply "Yes, August. When you get so upset because you can't figure something out, then take a break and try again after". I'm so lucky to have him. Often times I use August as a bouncing board to listen to my own advice. Does that mean I am functioning at the level of an almost 4 year old? Yes. The answer is Yes.

Delayed "emotional processing" seems to be the theme this week. Sometimes I need to take a break and get OUTSIDE of my head in order to sort out what feels like is trapped inside. My thoughts are a prisoner of my own brain. I do have emotions. I do feel. I do think. Too much at times. Chaos. Disabled. Delayed. Human.

I am only human. I have fear. I have anxiety and I also need to allow myself to "take a break". 4 months ago, I would have never imagined that our life would have led us to where I am today. I am afraid to give myself a break. I don't want a break. I want my baby. I wanted to experience the gift of Sterlings labor. I loved the excitement of timing contractions, and feeling my body prepare for the miracle of birth. I am so angry that what was once a beautiful and pure experience is now tainted with death. A mother should never have that taken from her. A mother should never have to dread giving birth, not for fear of pain or complications, but from the reality of giving birth and not giving life all in the same moment.

I wish I could take my own advice. I wish it was that simple. But it's not. I can't figure it all out. But I can try again. And before I can try again, I need to work through my anger, my fear, my anxiety and I need to find ways to "take a break". Maybe I should ask August. Maybe I should ask God. Just Maybe.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

An Angels Spirit at Christmas

I am tall, magnificent and oh so strong

I will glow for you throughout the night
A comfort that I long to give
As you cry beneath my might

A symbol of love and peace and faith
that Christmas time is near
I fill the emptiness that you feel
with joy though you cannot cheer

I know this time is hard to bear
and with each new moment comes
A new feeling, a breath, and a new thought
about what is missing from

The way this Holiday is supposed to be
I'm the angel who will always be in your heart
I cannot replace, I cannot return
No present will ever start

To give the gift of comfort today
tomorrow, and the month ahead
As a new year dawns, and dreams are had
I'll catch the tears you shed

I am here for you until you say goodbye
and put me gently aside
But always know that in your heart
that I will always reside

young at heart and sweet in soul
and here for every wish
Just close your eyes and think of me
and let your sadness lift
give me your fear as well as your love
for I can sort it through
I'm in a heavenly place always
and forever I will love you

I am your angel, your light, your peace
for eternity
I'm here, I'm there, I'm everywhere
anyplace, anytime you need

Just sing our song, or write a poem
and let your words be free
for I can feel you at all times
for your angel I'll always be

Written by Maria, for her Angel Sterling
at Christmas Time 2009