The Past 6 months...

Today is the 6 month mark. Upon reflection, these past six months have been filled with such heart felt moments. No superficial feelings of loss or lonliness, just the draining, energy absorbing, sadness and longing for feeling differently, not necessarily better. 6 months ago I could not even identify a feeling that I was having. I couldn't discriminate, distinguish or even describe what was going on in my mind, and more importantly my heart. I was numb. I couldn't handle the question "how are you?". My therapist told my husband to just ask me "If I was having a feeling", that way all I had to do was answer yes or no. That was my cognitive level. I culdn't even do choices. Only yes/no questions. I think I felt like my life had no choices at the time. No control. No ability to change anything.

Now I do have choices. I can change, I am changing. Every day. I am able to even do "fill in the answer" types of questions regarding my feelings. Its not easy. It doesn't come easily. But its emerging. I can FEEL it. Thats a big change. I can feel once again. I can even feel excitement for things to come. I am beginning to have hope.

At my Jenny Craig weigh in today, I met a huge milestone. My response..."It's not real until it is sustained. I could wake up tomorrow and be no farther ahead than I am today." I think that statement is subconciously, now a bit more conciously, my driving force of acceptance to just be. Just be me today. Not the me of yesterday. Not the me of tomorrow. 4 months ago I couldn't do that. Shoot...I didn't even know who "me" was....But I now know that its my drive, my determination, my support system, my ability to choose how I feel, and miraculously, to look at what tomorrow may bring as "what may happen" vs. "what should happen". How do you even compare the loss of a child to the loss of weight. You don't. But I just did. A lot of "Butts" in this post. Hmmmmmm.

2 months ago, I stopped being able to write about my feelings. It was to hard to feel. Now that I could tell the difference between anger, sadness, frustration, love, enjoyment, peaceful, in turmoil, etc...I didn't want to feel the intesity of each emotion. One day, at my bible study, those wonderful woman got to feel all that pent up intensity in one shot. I needed that release, but didn't even know that I did. They knew. And they allowed me to let it all out. To let it all go. To open the door to moving forward. Thank you so much Kristie, Leehsa, Katy, Amy, Michelle. And thank you to God. I didn't know what I was missing, until I could feel it. Gods love. Sterlings love. Achored by Hope. http://anchoredbyhope.com/

Last month was all about me. Me finding out what I needed to do to move forward. To let go of my fears of what moving forward means. To really consider what moving forward means for me. To understand that moving forward does not always mean to let go. I wrote a letter to Baby Sterling and that was the only way that I finally was able to come to terms with what I was holding on to and what I needed to say/do/feel to honor him. I would like to share that letter. On this date, the 6 month anniversary of being born to heaven.

My Dearest Baby Boy,


I have written about you. I have written for you. I have written poetry because of you. But today, I write to you for the first time. My dear baby Sterling, you are so greatly missed. I know that you hear my prayers, I know that you can feel my love, yet I fear that I am holding in that which I owe to you. It breaks my heart to live with the fact that when you were born I could not bring myself to cradle you in my arms, to dress you, to feel your skin upon mine, to kiss your sweet lips. I was so afraid. I was afraid of facing the reality. From the first moment that I had the choice to see you, to hold you, to show you how much I cared, I didn’t. Throughout our bible study, which I believe you have been watching and guiding me through along with our Lord, I have been unable to face the guilt that I have felt for making those choices in those moments. There is nothing that I can do, other than to ask for forgiveness and ask the Lord to take the guilt and the pain away, and to tell you all the things that I need you to know so that I may let you go peacefully…for I seem to be holding on more than anything..to that which I DID NOT DO.

I am in a constant search for direction. Even though I am moving forward I am not leaving you behind. When I share my fears with your daddy, he tearfully says to me, “Sterling is where he belongs. With us. I am not ready to give his remains back to the earth, the sky or even the universe. I need him with us”. I understand that, yet I find strength in knowing that I have fully given you to our Lord. I trust in Him, I know that you are in a place safer than we could ever provide. I protected you for 8 months, and we will protect your honor, your memories, your existence, for the rest of our lives.

I met with a pastor this past week. I shared with him how I feel unworthy to be your mom. How I feel like I am paralyzed by my inactions. He clearly said that it is in Gods grace that I was able to do what I did, that I am able to do what I can now, and that will enable me to do what is ahead of me, as I follow His will. Faith is Trust. Trust in that God will always be there for me. That God has and will always be there for you and for our family. Worthiness is not a factor.

This is your gift to me, my dear boy. I have always known what I “need to work on”, but have never had the courage to truly face my fears and accept me for me. You have opened the door for me that I have held closed with lock and key for so very long. You have shown me not what I am not, but what I have the capacity to be. I have so much love for you, my son. I promise to release that love to you, and not only keep you close to my heart, but to let our love, a mothers love, free myself from the past. To allow myself to look forward. To have faith. To have hope. To have joy.

How do I stop writing this letter? I want to keep this going on and on and on….its amazing how something so hard to start, can be so hard to stop. I love you Sterling. Always.

Mom

Threads of Hope

This month has been a tricky one so far. I'm crusing along, happy that 2010 is finally here. Focusing on what is going on around me, rather than what is going on inside of me. Losing weight. Good. Following my new work schedule. Check. Exercising and Dieting. Confirmed. These are the things that help keep me focused on the "outward". Those, movies, and figure skating. Huge distraction this month with the National Championships and all. I also find though that I am finding comfort in getting back to the "normalness" of my days. SO much so, that I can ALMOST fully enjoy what I am experiencing rather than dwelling on what I am missing. I don't find myself going through the motions as much anymore. My face isn't covered with quite as thick of a veil right now. I am living, I am breathing, I am greiving. Even though every day isn't filled with dispair.

One might think that is a sign of healing. Of clearer perspective. Of a more positive outlook. That "one" was me. Until I am given a sign that I musn't forget about the me that is inside. The me that still cries silent tears. The me that continues to feel unsettled. The me that is. Me. I have homework to do. I have resources in place to gently allow me to grieve and heal at the same time. I just don't have the teacher who gives me the grade in a circle at the top of my blog to acknowledge my effort or progress. Nor should I. I do have faith, even if I don't have hope. I know where to find messages of hope, even if I can't quite open the pages. What is holding me back? What am I holding on to? Why does hope have to mean letting go? Or doesn't it? Maybe that is where I have it wrong. Maybe that is why it's so hard for me to let go..because the hope is missing. Or is it the other way around..it's so hard for me to be hopeful, because I haven't let go.

I am currently participating in a bible study. Funny how part of the name of the study is "Threads of Hope". I like the idea of "threads". I like the idea that it is the threads of hope that holds all the "other pieces" together.  I like the idea of God weaving the pieces of my life together to create a very specific quilt. Without Him, my quilt would just be the "idea". I need to get over the idea and get on with the doing and praying and yes...the letting go. Whatever form that may take.

Still Sleeping

Feeling baby kisses, knowing a sweet surprise
Hearing baby laughter, alongside with tearful cries
The sights and sounds of motherhood are surrounding me this year
If only I had some will and hope, instead of anxiety and fear

For unto us a child was born--a child that warms my heart
But now he is gone, and my reserve is weak
My days are long, and my nights are bleak

Strong women around me whose angels are in heaven have the courage to fill this
space
that occupies my arms, my thoughts, my home, my life, my dreams,
your place

Seeing angel mommies blessed with children again leaves me helpless, leaves me sad,
as I can not pretend that-- the time is right, the time is now--to conceive would feel untrue
Tell me, how can I say hello to another when I haven't yet said farewell to you

Time is but a measure between where we were, where we are
and where we're going to
But time is painful, time is real, time is whats left when we are through
going on with the motions of the pieces of life that mine has now become
A mother missing her baby boy, whom longs for her sleeping son.

Missing you baby boy,
Mommy

Merry Christmas From Heaven

Christmas Ornament that I chose in honor of our Son Sterling.

Engraved on the front:

I love you all dearly

Now don't shed a tear

I'm spending my Christmas

With Jesus this year.

Engraved on the reverse:

Our Angel

Sterling Aether Schutte

8/21/09

Update..on our weekly "Sunday morning walk", August and I heard the bells ringing from the neighborhood church again. This time we were out walking an hour earilier, so I was sure that we wouldn't hear them. Yet we did. And what tune was gently ringing in the distance? "What Child is This". As August and I picked up our pace to walk to the church to hear and see the bells, I again felt as if Sterling was calling to us...this time I am sure he was saying "Merry Christmas to you mommy. And to my brother too! I'm playing this special song this day, to bring comfort and love to you!". We love you, Sterling. Thank you for such a wonderful gift.

What Child Is This?

My favorite Christmas Carol. Actualy, this piece of hauntingly beautiful music, also referred to as "Greensleeves" has been my year round favorite since I was a youngster and I envisioned scenes of "Mommy Kissing Santa Claus".  Boy did I have a lot of expectations! As my mind drifts off this early Christmas morn, it is not Santa that lingers in my imagination, but my Sweet Sterling. Completely awake at 1:30am, I find myself researching the history behind the creation of the tune for "What Child is This". Along the way of my inquest for further knowledge I realize that I am really searching for more meaning. Not for baby Jesus' story, but for Sterlings story. Then I came across this:


God’s sign is simplicity. God’s sign is the baby. God’s sign is that he makes himself small for us. He does not come with power and outward splendor. He comes as a baby – defenseless and in need of our help . . . He asks for our love, so he makes himself a child. He wants nothing other from us than our love. . . God made himself small so that we could understand him, welcome him and love him.


What child is this, who, laid to rest

On Mary's lap, is sleeping?
Whom angels greet with anthems sweet,
While shepherds watch are keeping?

Not that I liken myself to the Virgin Mary. But I am a mother. My baby was born sleeping. He was blessed to be carried on the wings of Angels while his shepards, his father and I watched helplessly, as his life, his purpose, was given new meaning. So was mine.

Christopher, my love, my dream, continues to support me as I try and find that which gives me comfort and that which keeps me grounded. This holiday, by default, we ended up making Gingerbread Dinosaur Cookies with our son, August. Christmas cookies have always been a comfort for my tummy and for my heart. Specifically, the recipe given to me by my foster mom. We decided to combine the new recipe for gingerbread with the lovingly familiar frosting from Grandma Helens original sugar cookie recipe. And I realized something. Its the frosting that brings back the memories of years past. Its the lingering sweetness of the powdered sugar with the Almond extract that is the first and last taste and biggest impact. The cookie dough could be a combination of many different ingredients, yet the frosting is what smooths it all out and fullfills my cravings. As I sit here, eating what must be my ___th cookie of the early morning, I create the significance of this in my minds eye. The reality and beauty of something new and exciting, with the comfort and familiarity of the known and loved. This morning, I think of Sterling and how he has given me such a new outlook. His being has made me a better me. The ingredients of my life could be a combination of a million different varities, but the frosting...my sweet, sweet frosting...will always give me comfort. Will always give me peace. Thank you Sterling. Merry Christmas to my Christmas Angel, my wonderous darling, my forever child.

Take A Break

Words of wisdom from a 3 1/2 year old. "Do I need to Take a Break, mommy? My honest reply "Yes, August. When you get so upset because you can't figure something out, then take a break and try again after". I'm so lucky to have him. Often times I use August as a bouncing board to listen to my own advice. Does that mean I am functioning at the level of an almost 4 year old? Yes. The answer is Yes.

Delayed "emotional processing" seems to be the theme this week. Sometimes I need to take a break and get OUTSIDE of my head in order to sort out what feels like is trapped inside. My thoughts are a prisoner of my own brain. I do have emotions. I do feel. I do think. Too much at times. Chaos. Disabled. Delayed. Human.

I am only human. I have fear. I have anxiety and I also need to allow myself to "take a break". 4 months ago, I would have never imagined that our life would have led us to where I am today. I am afraid to give myself a break. I don't want a break. I want my baby. I wanted to experience the gift of Sterlings labor. I loved the excitement of timing contractions, and feeling my body prepare for the miracle of birth. I am so angry that what was once a beautiful and pure experience is now tainted with death. A mother should never have that taken from her. A mother should never have to dread giving birth, not for fear of pain or complications, but from the reality of giving birth and not giving life all in the same moment.

I wish I could take my own advice. I wish it was that simple. But it's not. I can't figure it all out. But I can try again. And before I can try again, I need to work through my anger, my fear, my anxiety and I need to find ways to "take a break". Maybe I should ask August. Maybe I should ask God. Just Maybe.

An Angels Spirit at Christmas

I am tall, magnificent and oh so strong

I will glow for you throughout the night
A comfort that I long to give
As you cry beneath my might

A symbol of love and peace and faith
that Christmas time is near
I fill the emptiness that you feel
with joy though you cannot cheer


I know this time is hard to bear
and with each new moment comes
A new feeling, a breath, and a new thought
about what is missing from

The way this Holiday is supposed to be
I'm the angel who will always be in your heart
I cannot replace, I cannot return
No present will ever start

To give the gift of comfort today
tomorrow, and the month ahead
As a new year dawns, and dreams are had
I'll catch the tears you shed

I am here for you until you say goodbye
and put me gently aside
But always know that in your heart
that I will always reside

young at heart and sweet in soul
and here for every wish
Just close your eyes and think of me
and let your sadness lift
give me your fear as well as your love
for I can sort it through
I'm in a heavenly place always
and forever I will love you

I am your angel, your light, your peace
for eternity
I'm here, I'm there, I'm everywhere
anyplace, anytime you need

Just sing our song, or write a poem

and let your words be free

for I can feel you at all times

for your angel I'll always be

Written by Maria, for her Angel Sterling

at Christmas Time 2009