Wednesday, January 20, 2010
This month has been a tricky one so far. I'm crusing along, happy that 2010 is finally here. Focusing on what is going on around me, rather than what is going on inside of me. Losing weight. Good. Following my new work schedule. Check. Exercising and Dieting. Confirmed. These are the things that help keep me focused on the "outward". Those, movies, and figure skating. Huge distraction this month with the National Championships and all. I also find though that I am finding comfort in getting back to the "normalness" of my days. SO much so, that I can ALMOST fully enjoy what I am experiencing rather than dwelling on what I am missing. I don't find myself going through the motions as much anymore. My face isn't covered with quite as thick of a veil right now. I am living, I am breathing, I am greiving. Even though every day isn't filled with dispair.
One might think that is a sign of healing. Of clearer perspective. Of a more positive outlook. That "one" was me. Until I am given a sign that I musn't forget about the me that is inside. The me that still cries silent tears. The me that continues to feel unsettled. The me that is. Me. I have homework to do. I have resources in place to gently allow me to grieve and heal at the same time. I just don't have the teacher who gives me the grade in a circle at the top of my blog to acknowledge my effort or progress. Nor should I. I do have faith, even if I don't have hope. I know where to find messages of hope, even if I can't quite open the pages. What is holding me back? What am I holding on to? Why does hope have to mean letting go? Or doesn't it? Maybe that is where I have it wrong. Maybe that is why it's so hard for me to let go..because the hope is missing. Or is it the other way around..it's so hard for me to be hopeful, because I haven't let go.
I am currently participating in a bible study. Funny how part of the name of the study is "Threads of Hope". I like the idea of "threads". I like the idea that it is the threads of hope that holds all the "other pieces" together. I like the idea of God weaving the pieces of my life together to create a very specific quilt. Without Him, my quilt would just be the "idea". I need to get over the idea and get on with the doing and praying and yes...the letting go. Whatever form that may take.