Monday, October 11, 2010

When Silence Calls

I have been rather silent lately, in terms of writing on this blog. I have had many distractions; most good, some challenging. It's the silence that has called to me to write today. Not just to write for the sake of writing or to hear my "voice", but to greet the silence. To welcome it. To accept it as part of this journey. Life has continued to settle down, but all around me there are more moms who are experiencing loss every day. This week on October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day, and a lot of the moms that I know are  speaking out a little louder again. Last year, it was a way for me to accept the love, peace, and support from all our friends at a time when our loss was still so new. This year, it is a way for me to give my love, peace, and support to myself, my family, and also my friends who have become so near and dear to me along this path. I thought I would draw some comparisons from last year to this...

Last year...I felt as though Sterling's stillbirth defined who I was.
This year..I know that Sterling's stillbirth will forever me a part of our family, but does not define me in my entirety.

Last year...I felt embarrased and hesitant to acknowledge that what I was going through was demanding unwanted attention.
This year...I know that emabarrasment and hesitation was a way for me to protect myself from my fears. My reality. And the attention...I needed, so deeply needed.

Last year...I was so concerned about how everyone was going to perceive me, treat me, judge me.
This year...I have grown from concerned to confident. I have taken those perceptions and can openly express that I am not the same person I was a year ago, and as I have changed, I have tried to share with others how that change has impacted my relationships at home, at work, everywhere. This will be a life long process...and I am comfortable with that.

Thats not to say that I am comfortable with my loss. That event will always sit in my heart uncomfortably. I know that may seem impersonal, to call our loss an event...but it truly was. It was a life-changer. August 21st was just another day before last year. Not anymore. Not ever.