Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Gone Just As Long

Its been 9 months since Sterling was born still. I have now exceeded the time since his birth/death versus  how long he was alive and part of my working womb. I don't know what significance that information has, other than it means something to me. Just something. He was to be our 2nd child, carefully planned to be born happy and healthy before my 35th birthday. Today is the day after my 35th birthday. Yes, I did have my second child, but I don't truly have him. Not the way I wish for. Not the way I want his brother to remember him. Not the way...yet...its the only way that I have. And I have come to terms with that...9 months later.

Now, I really am affected when August brings up Sterling out of nowhere. He now has conversations with him, and shares those with Christopher and I with such sweet abandon. I treasure those sweet with sorrow. ..recently, so frequent. His soft words still bring tears to my eyes, but at the same time they bring a warmth to my heart. A warmth that only August, as Sterlings Brother, can bring. Thank you, my precious boys....what a wonderful Mother's day gift.

Mother's day....I had fleeting seconds of sadness...knowing that the entirety of my motherhood is not livingly represented. We drove past several cemetaries and I observed multiple funerals happening this past Sunday that is meant to honor those whom have lost mothers. I hope that those families can some how still let the sun shine down on them. I still look for my rays of light. My children. My future. My life. I wondered briefly if that is something that children who have lost a parent traditionaly do on Mother's Day. Go visit their mothers, grandmothers, foster mothers, adopted mothers, surrogate mothers...there are so many types of mothers....and then mothers of babies lost and of babies living. Maybe even mothers makingmore babies. I'm rambling....sorry. General summation....I am so proud to be a mom. It is awesome. I hope to be a mom to more. 9 months ago, I planned to be a mom to more. I was ready. I was willing. I was so excited. And then I lost that life...but I did not lose mine. I have found the will and desire to go to that place again. We shall see what conversations are to be had...all I that I will be listening.