Monday, July 19, 2010
These last 11 months, people have entered into our circle of support, and some have left. Each has undoubetdly played a very special role along our journey of healing. It is hard to imagine what it would have been like if our circle of support was any different that what it was. Than what it will continue to be. I am a firm believer that every soul enters our lives for a very specific purpose. Often in may be for a lifetime, usually it is for a matter of days, weeks, months or years, and once in a while, a soul joins yours forever and lives within you.
I begin questioning myself when I meet new people who have entered into my life: When do I tell them about Sterling? It's been 11 months since he was born into heaven. I am now meeting and developing relationships with individuals who know nothing of my loss. I almost feel that by NOT talking about Sterling, that they will have a false impression of who I am...this all because...he is part of me. By not acknowledging him, I am not sharing a part of who I am. Then the questioning continues: Will this person want to become part of my circle of support? What happens if they do and then they leave? How do I greive the loss of support along with the loss of a child? These are so many questions and fears that will sometimes work their negativity into my mind so that I go into protection mode and just say No Thank You, I'm Fine Just The Way I Am.
And then I remember the saying, "it is better to have lost love, then to never have loved at all". This desire and need to love is my life force, just as much as my breathing and beating heart. I remember that it is because of my capacity to love and accept others just as they are, that I hope for them to accept me just for who I am as well. Even if this me is different than the me they knew before my loss or...as will happen countless times in my future...the only me they will know is the me after my loss.
I know none of this should really matter. People come, people go. But once you have lost a child, this ideal "goes" out the window. There is no rationalizing it. There is no explaining it away. Whether it be the loss of a favorite belonging, the loss of a car, the loss of a friend, or the loss of family...they will all forever be reminders and triggers of the loss of our child. And then it's the support that is so important, and that keeps pushing me through.
Maybe I like better the idea of a Support Continuum. Over time, the organizational structure of support may change as well as the level of intensity, but there is no point where the beginning meets the end. I don't think I will ever reach a point on my continuum where I will say No Thank You, I'm Fine Just The Way I Am. Even if my fears drive me to think it.
So, 11 months after the stillbirth of my son, I will keep reaching out and reaching within. I will always continue to heal, grow, learn, and appreciate each and every persons' purpose on my journey. You may not even know what purpose you play...heck..I may not even know until that moment. That moment when my mind, heart, and soul opens up and it all makes sense. But one thing is for sure...WE will forever be grateful for YOU. Always.