Sunday, August 21, 2011

The Day You Were Born

Dear Sterling,

It is hard to believe that it has been exactly two years since you were born. For some reason I'm having a hard time talking about you on this Birthday, so I decided to write to you. I've only wrote to you once before, and to be quite honest, it was a huge step in my grieving process.  I'm now in a new place emotionally. You have a 3 month old little sister and my heart is pulled in so many directions. In some way I suppose I feel "guilty" when I think of you, since Astraea was born this past May. Rationally I know these thoughts are absurd, but, I learned after we first lost you to not judge how I is what it is. This year...that is a hard thing to remember to do.

Your Big Brother, August, asks often if people get "older" in heaven. In this world of unknowns, he is bravely trying to figure out if you will always be our "Baby Sterling", or if you are "growing". As your mom, it is too hard for me to imagine what you would be like at two years old. We have brief snapshots and vivid memories that we keep dear to our hearts of you being born. Those will never be replaced with new or different experiences. My perception of those days will never change. You will always be our baby boy...born still...forever young.

My goodness this is hard to write. Just as hard as it was before. I think that is the thing. The days in between may get easier, but this day, August 21st, will always be your day...our day....a tough day.

I'm going to keep this short, if not simple. Your family loves you very much. We will be honoring YOU today. I wish you were here.