When I first received the CD that had this song on it, I immediately flipped to the lyrics to read hopefully words that would somehow comfort me. I really don't like "what if's" though. In fact...I despise them, more so than ever since Sterling. So what caused me to gravitate toward a song with that title? I think that I was looking for something to relate to. Anyway....even if it meant that I could some how interpret or twist words and phrases into significant meaning for that moment. Today...this song is being released as a single, and the CD that it was originally on is being re-released with several re-mixes of previous songs. Re---re-----re-----If I had you.....there is no replay, remix, release for the aftermath of losing a child that anyone ever should experience. Yet we do...and these are some of my replays....
I replay in my mind the moment that I saw you for the first time.
I replay in my mind seeing you in your bassinet, so still, so covered, so present...but not.
I replay in my mind your dad. His tears. My numbness.
I replay in my heart the sinking feeling when your heartbeat couldn't be found.
I replay in my heart the sharpness of realizing that what's done is done.
I replay in my heart the longing for more..more moments...more time...more courage...more babies....more...more...more
I don't walk around replaying these moments every day. Usually they hit me in spurts. And then they are gone. Just as he is. But he was...Still Born.
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Maria, this is a beautiful post, and you are such a loving person. So true, so hard to share those moments that come back to us. I too have been thinking of the replays. This week, full of changes, making life feel insecure again. But I know that even in this life altering circumstance, that she comes with me, and so does the Lord. I'm thinking of you...
ReplyDeleteMaria,
ReplyDeleteFunny I was just thinking about you and up pops a post! I replay so many things as well. I try not to allow the what-ifs in because they are so destructive on my heart. You are always on my mind and in my prayers. I miss talking to you guys!!!!
Love ya,
Katy xxx
I agree with Katy - the what-if are destructive, but they are so hard to avoid some times. Have been thinking about you...drop a line any time!!!
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