Wednesday, April 14, 2010

If I Had You

When I first received the CD that had this song on it, I immediately flipped to the lyrics to read hopefully words that would somehow comfort me. I really don't like "what if's" though. In fact...I despise them, more so than ever since Sterling. So what caused me to gravitate toward a song with that title?  I think that I was looking for something to relate to. Anyway....even if it meant that I could some how interpret or twist words and phrases into significant meaning for that moment. Today...this song is being released as a single, and the CD that it was originally on is being re-released with several re-mixes of previous songs. Re---re-----re-----If I had you.....there is no replay, remix, release for the aftermath of losing a child that anyone ever should experience. Yet we do...and these are some of my replays....

I replay in my mind the moment that I saw you for the first time.
I replay in my mind seeing you in your bassinet, so still, so covered, so present...but not.
I replay in my mind your dad. His tears. My numbness.
I replay in my heart the sinking feeling when your heartbeat couldn't be found.
I replay in my heart the sharpness of realizing that what's done is done.
I replay in my heart the longing for more..more moments...more time...more courage...more babies....more...more...more

I don't walk around replaying these moments every day. Usually they hit me in spurts. And then they are gone. Just as he is. But he was...Still Born.