Birthdays, Dreams & Truths

Happy Birthday, my beloved baby boy. I see you in your brother and sisters sleeping expressions. I hear your heartbeat in natures sounds around me. I feel your tiny kicks in my dreams. On your 4th heavenly birthday, I think about that day that you were born. I remember it so vividly...scarily so. All it takes is a moment of silence, a song, a picture, a word, a glance, an embrace...and it takes me right back to August 21, 2009.

The silence brings sadness, and with that tears and wishes for a different path. A path that lead to a living, breathing, you.

Music brings the melody of your spirit closer to my heart. For those moments, it is like we are together again. Just you and I...and the miracle of motherhood. I miss our moments. 

Pictures can speak a thousand words, but when I look at yours, I can only think of one: "heartbreaking". That one word has so many meanings for me....for us. I remember thinking that I absolutely did NOT want pictures of you when I first learned that there would not be newborn, but stillborn photography offered. Now, when I look at those images, I see you and I see how similar you look to August & Astraea. In some ways that is comforting...in others...it makes me wish for more...more pictures, more memories...more...you.

Words have helped me heal. They allow me to process my feelings in a way that otherwise would feel trapped inside my mind. Although it remains difficult still to speak of you...I continue to stumble when I am asked how many children I have...writing of you comes much easier...and for that, I am thankful.

Knowing glances exchanged between your dad and I when we both experience a moment of remembrance at the same time. Private. Loving. Knowing. In those moments, your existence is cherished and often a wave of sadness washes over us and more often than not..tears still fill my eyes.

Lastly, and most dearly, on your birthday, I have the loving embrace of our family. At our beach, when the wind gently blows, I feel your love. At night, when I am snuggling with your siblings, your spirit touches our hearts. On new mornings and bright days, when white butterflies visit our backyard, your kiss crosses our path. These are our moments, Sterling. Forever. Always. Us.