Monday, August 23, 2010

You Are Mine

Many beautiful things happened this weekend that really showed me how God is helping me heal on this very emotional weekend. It is Monday now, and we made it through with smiles and tears. My tearful moments came quite suddenly when I least expected them to. Mostly, when I was "about to" end something. We spent a beautiful morning at the beach and it wasn't until we were "about to" pack up to leave that I became very reflective on what leaving that beach symbolized. For a moment I felt as though I was leaving my baby there once again. You see, it was exactly one year ago, at that same beach, that I went into labor and that Sweet Sterling was with us for the last time. This year, it wasn't his little feet kicking in my tummy that I could feel, it was light angel kisses on my face. Tiny trinkles of water being sprayed up from the waves that otherwise, should not have been able to reach my skin. This was a very personal treasure, and one that I am so incredibly thankful for. As we released our balloons into the sky, I had wished that the wind was blowing the balloons out over the ocean, but it was blowing the other direction. Another gentle reminder that this journey is not in my control. None of it ever was...and yes...I do find peace in that too.

Church on Sunday was a lovely service, despite everyone's emotions running high. I was doing fine until we got to the second hymn of the morning. As, my favorite piece of church music ever, the words and notes that brought me such peace and healing during my time of loss, were playing again. As if it was just for me. As my tears poured down my face, I stood alone feeling God's words, hearing Sterling's Voice, and growing  Strength through my sadness. It was the second good cry in as many days. As the pastor shared her peace with us all, she especially gave me a warm hug and held me a few moments longer. I have never felt closer to God. I truly felt like one of his children. "Do not be afraid, I am with you. I have called you each by name I love you and you are mine". Please view the video above for this entire beautiful PEACE of music. It is a wonderful tribute to my son and our heavenly father. Amen.

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