Take A Break

Words of wisdom from a 3 1/2 year old. "Do I need to Take a Break, mommy? My honest reply "Yes, August. When you get so upset because you can't figure something out, then take a break and try again after". I'm so lucky to have him. Often times I use August as a bouncing board to listen to my own advice. Does that mean I am functioning at the level of an almost 4 year old? Yes. The answer is Yes.

Delayed "emotional processing" seems to be the theme this week. Sometimes I need to take a break and get OUTSIDE of my head in order to sort out what feels like is trapped inside. My thoughts are a prisoner of my own brain. I do have emotions. I do feel. I do think. Too much at times. Chaos. Disabled. Delayed. Human.

I am only human. I have fear. I have anxiety and I also need to allow myself to "take a break". 4 months ago, I would have never imagined that our life would have led us to where I am today. I am afraid to give myself a break. I don't want a break. I want my baby. I wanted to experience the gift of Sterlings labor. I loved the excitement of timing contractions, and feeling my body prepare for the miracle of birth. I am so angry that what was once a beautiful and pure experience is now tainted with death. A mother should never have that taken from her. A mother should never have to dread giving birth, not for fear of pain or complications, but from the reality of giving birth and not giving life all in the same moment.

I wish I could take my own advice. I wish it was that simple. But it's not. I can't figure it all out. But I can try again. And before I can try again, I need to work through my anger, my fear, my anxiety and I need to find ways to "take a break". Maybe I should ask August. Maybe I should ask God. Just Maybe.