"Birth" Day.

It isn't until you lose a life before birth that you realize what a miracle the creation of life truly is. When there are questions that cannot be answered and reasons that cannot be justified, you start to understand that "birth" is more than just a day, more than just an experience, more than just an expected outcome to pregnancy.

This is my recollection of what our Baby Sterling's "Birth Day" was and forever will be for me. It is the only birthday he will ever have, the day that he was born still; and we were, not to be forgotten, still parents.

The Morning of August 20th:
Surges starting to become more consistent and stronger and longer. Our last day of our beach vacation..I wanted to make it last. We had been so relaxed this past week. I loved watching my husband Christopher play with our 3 1/2 year old son, August, in the waves. The sand felt warm and soft on my feet, but my feet felt huge and heavy--as did the rest of me. I spent most of the day resting and imagining what new adventures we would have. I kept picturing the next time we came to our "beach spot" and how excited we were to welcome a new life into our little family.

The Afternoon of August 20th:
It was time to start timing the surges. I felt active labor coming on, but wasn't convinced that we would be giving birth today. I had a doctors appointment the next day and figured that we would be able to hold out until atleast then and see how far I had "progressed". My body had other plans for me though. It was time to pack up and say goodbye to our vacation home, and then, very possibly, head to the hospital.

The Late Afternoon of August 20th--6pm:
I decided on that drive home that I wasn't sure that I could make it to Friday mornings doctor appointment, and decided to call my doctor to let him know my status. I was told to head to the hospital if the surges kept going and to have my bag by the door. I guess I needed that little shove, because less than 1 hour later, I told Christopher that once we got home and made arrangements for August, we would need to go to the hospital and have this baby. Now the anticipation and excitement became really real, and I kept praying that we would make it to the hospital before this baby made his grand entrance.

The Early Evening of August 20th--8pmish:
Help was on its way. Thank goodness for good friends. August was safe and taken care of, and we were on our way to the hospital to welcome Baby Sterling. It didn't take long to get there and at this point I couldn't wait to know exactly what was happening...neither could Christopher. He was preparing for another sleepless night, as it was with August. Everything seemed so similar to our birth experience with August. We even were assigned to the same birthroom where they initially took us with August. It was all very familiar. It was all very perfect. Until it wasn't.

From this point forward time is a blur..I don't remember the order of things or the timing of things. Everything got turned upside down. Not our baby though, he was still breech. And not moving. With no heartbeat. For a moment we thought we heard the sound of his heart, but no, it was mine. My heart beating, My heart braking. His beating heart--gone.

The Morning of August 21, 2009:

Sterling Aether was born still at 7:55am. 5 pounds. 8 ounces. 19 inches long.