Sometimes I wish that I had a stamp on my forhead that says "image may not be what it appears". I could go for days without looking in a mirror. The only reason that I do now is to 1) Make sure that what I am wearing doesn't look like Maternity Clothes, 2) Make sure that I don't have toothpaste on my face, and 3) Make sure that my hair is somewhat presentable--if I'm leaving the house. Thats it. When I look at myself, I don't see a mother who has lost a child. I don't have to look at me to know that. I feel it. Every day.
How do I appear to others? Can they feel my misery? Can they look into my empty gaze and see what I am trying to process? Of course not. That's where communication is so important. Funny that I am a communication specialist, yet lately, I have not been so great at it. I also have an invisible injury that goes beyond physicality. My heart is broken. My spirit is broken. My words are broken too.
My reflection is painted by the actions and reactions to me. Suddelty doesn't work. Innuendo's aren't effective. Sometimes, as strange as it may seem, direct comments are mis-interpreted. Its not that I don't care. It's that my capacity to respond seems restricted. It's like I'm constantly moving through water. Water distorts images. Things seem much smoother, much softer, much calmer when submurged. But how long can I hold my breath? I have to come up for air and face the reality. But the resistance is strong. The levels are deep. I must keep on going. The water keeps me moving. And when I need to...I can just float. Or use a noodle.
Seeing other mothers who look and feel like me is therapuetic. It sounds selfish that I need to be around others who are going through what I am in order to give myself permission to "get out my ugly". I don't want everyone to know that I STILL am STILL. But I am. I am still greiving. I am still figuring it all out. But most of all, I AM STILL MARIA.
Posts
Hi Maria. I have these same moments. I really could use that forehead stamp, so when you find one, let me know! I own my own business, so out of necessity, I went back to work 2 weeks after Gracie died. For the last 3.5 months I have had person after person tell me how good I look or that they are glad I am doing so well. It knocks me back a little bit each time I hear it, because I am not doing well. In honesty, some days I barely make it through. I often wonder if these people are actually hearing what I am saying in conversation and if they actually comprehend the fact that every other word out of my mouth is 'baby' or 'Gracie'. You will grieve for a long time, as you should and have every right to. It is not something that you will ever get over. Remember that while you are still Maria, a whole new part of you has been opened for business and other parts of you have been forever changed. You will never be the exact same person that you were before Sterling slipped away. There is now an entirely new state of 'normal' for you. Don't be afraid to remind others of that. And don't ever hold back on your ugly! It's your right to let it loose!! Big hugs....
ReplyDelete