Goodnight Sweet Sterling

"Goodbye". It's something that we say numerous times a day so casually as we pass from one moment to the next, one person to another. Another one of those "life occurances" that we take for granted and that helps make up one's sense of normalcy. I have a ritual with my son August. Everytime I fasten him in his carseat, I kiss him and tell him I love him. It doesn't matter if we are driving 6 hours for a family vacation, or a 10 minute drive to his school, or 2 minutes to 7-11. I don't know why I do this, and when I did it today, I realized the significance of a simple "goodbye". It made me think yet again, of his brother.

I said hello and goodbye to Sterling in the same breath. Actually, I never said it. The words were unspeakable; the pain was too strong. I felt it though, deep into my soul. As I write this, I remember that the last thought I would have every night when I was pregnant was, "Goodnight Sweet Sterling". I had forgot about that. I am now so thankful for that memory. I know that even before he was born, I had created the same sort of ritual with Sterling that I have with August. I was his mother before he was born, and that is never to be forgotten.

It seemed so easy for me to say "Goodbye" to our sweet angel when Christopher and I finally agreed that it was time for him to leave our hospital room that day. I knew that I would never see him again, and in that moment, it was easier to think that it would be the last time I would have to say "goodbye" and that was safer for me. I was so very wrong. I haven't said Goodbye and I'm not sure when or how or if I will ever need to. For now, I need to honor his life within me, my memories, and his spirit. It's all that I will ever have. Maybe one day, when the pain is less and my faith is more, I will be able to find a way. Together with his daddy, I know we will find the strength and make the choice that is right for our family. To say what ever needs to be said. But for tonight, all I can simply say is:

Goodnight Sweet Sterling. Goodnight.