Who Am I?

Everytime I sit down to write a new entry, I have to stop myself from starting out with writing a "why" question. The "why" changes nothing, alleviates nada, and sends me into a cycle of questioning that blurs my vision and hurts my heart. "Who" is what this blog is all about. Most of you reading this know "who" I am. Some of you know me even better than I do. Some of you are just learning about me, and the one thing that I know you all have in common is that You Care Who I Am.

The process of self discovery is not an easy one. I have to care enough about me in order to fully care for others. As a mother, a wife, a sister, a daughter, a grand-daughter, a collegue, a friend, a boss (I hate that label), a giver, a lover. We are who we are, but we are always changing. Are we really? Or is it our circumstances that change that require a direct action  or new role/responsibility from us that may be, well dare I say, unexpected?  This then results in us doing, saying, thinking differently, but our "being" is what it is. Until your world is turned upside down. Then the search starts all over again and it's more important then ever that You Care Who I Am, so that I can use you to find my way back to me.

I am my own worst judge. In everything. That is consistent, that never changes. Since the loss of Sterling, that has become the #1 factor affecting my ability to make decisions, communicate, plan, live. Now I am realizing that I need to balance out this part of my energy tree. My tree is growing crooked away from the sunlight, and I am trying to bring it back into alignment. Have you ever tried to straighten out a crooked tree?

My story of who I am changed when I met my husband. He allowed me to "get all my crazies out" and stood by my side the whole time. I knew that I had to take care of me to be available for him. That took a while, and once I did it, we were ready to take our relationship to the next level. Business, Marriage, House, Business Expansion, Child, Bigger House, Another Child. In that order. All was going according to plan until we got to the Bigger House part. Again, circumstances dictating actions. So we changed the plan. We decided to bring another child into our hearts and our home. Our current one, not the Bigger One. It wouldn't be perfect, but we certaintly could make it work. There was nothing holding us back. We were excited. Giving of our lives to create life. Life. Lives.

I seem to be blessed with the whole conception thing. First month trying for both of our children...mission accomplished. Yes, I will give my husband credit too. He is part of the process. When pregnant with Sterling I wish I could say that it was easy and wonderful and that I was the glowing mommy-to-be. I wasn't. I was tired all the time, drained from all energy, not motivated, and filled with unfounded fear. Kind of.

We thought we were going to lose him. I was 6 weeks pregnant and I woke up in the morning barely able to move my legs out of the fetal position. My whole mid-section had cramped up and I was so scared. We went to the ER. We were told that I was probably miscarrying and that the ultrasound showed that the results should have been "farther developed" than what the ER Dr. saw. They told us to just wait. I spent a lot of time waiting rather than doing throughout the pregnancy. Waiting for our baby to be born. He was born. Born Sleeping.

But not for another 30 weeks. I didn't miscarry. I had a gastro-intenstinal issue that resolved itself with a few medical interventions and I was discharged from the hospital the next day. Our baby was developing. We were fine. But now the fear wasn't unfounded. Now it was real. Eventhough I was OK, I wasn't. I never felt comfortable, never felt at ease, never wanted to admit that. My judge coming out in full force. I already was being a bad mom, feeling guilty and depressed. Why? Whoops..remember...I'm not supposed to ask that.

At 16 weeks I got got rear-ended on the freeway going about 10 mph. By a mini-cooper. Don't laugh...it totaled my family size sedan! The fear swelled up immediately and like a tornado sweeping through a valley, I was convinced again that something terrible had happened to our baby. Off to the Dr's we went. Everythings fine. We heard the heartbeat. We saw him moving around just like nothing happened. We found out that "he" was a "he". The womb is a very safe home...the only home on earth our baby will ever know.

The next 16 weeks went on relatively unremarkably. Until the day that my story ended and Sterlings Story took over. But the judge really has come out now. It's so hard to keep in check. I don't even know how. I am trying. Writing this blog, regardless of what others think, is one way that I am defeating that judge. It doesn't matter who reads it or what they think, its mine. Its what I need to do. For me. For Sterling. No. For me.